Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
