I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
