its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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