how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
