I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
