Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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