Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
