Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
