I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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