Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Let's get the cat blown out
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
