Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
