On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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