yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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