I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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