Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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