Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
