Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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