Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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