So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
