I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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