Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
