Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
