I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
