Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
