I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
