I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
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I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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