I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
