ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
