my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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