The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
