i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
