i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
