rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
