Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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