Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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