hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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