I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
