Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
