my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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