Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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