I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
