I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
