Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
