We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
