yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
