i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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