Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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