I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
