I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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