just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
