I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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