Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
