upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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