I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
