I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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