Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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