my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
